www.tomskillman.ca

You know, having a website used to feel as unique and special as having a band…

Of course, we all grow up, learn that the world is going to end on Dec 12, 2012 (due to magnetic pole shifts) and suddenly having a website that “exists” on some server located in Mississauga doesn’t seem so special anymore.

But you know what’s rare to have? You’re own goddamn recording studio in your back yard, that’s what. I’m not talking computer-sound card-cracked software studio. I’m talking foot thick walls, green glue, 2 leaf construction, weird angles and room dimensions (or at least those achievable in the space I have) that best suit playing and recording music. Cool lighting, soffit mounted speakers, the works. Sure, my space is smaller than ideal, but compromise is what makes the world special.
I’ve been dreaming of turning our 24×26 foot workshop into a studio for years. This winter, after saving my pennies, I bought all the drywall, green glue, wood and rock wool insulation I would need.

I got my electrical supplies, I got power tools and air hammers.

See, I know one of the secrets to defeating the aforementioned procrastination is to ensure you have the materials and tools to realize your goals. Otherwise people sit around saying “can’t do that next step til we get the drywall”. Seriously, how many times have you heard THAT before? EXACTLY my point.

Of course, it’s not just as simple as buying materials. A lot of my friends keep saying “why isn’t it done? Just put up some walls, let’s go!”

Silly friends. This is a project, not a job. The funny thing is, I have learned that building things is all about the planning and the cleanup. The actual building part is quick and fairly easy, especially with some of the tools I’m packing. (Yes. I just did that. I went there. Deal.)  Interestingly (to me anyway) this isn’t much different than making music when you think about it.

You have to learn the techniques. You have to decide what you want to achieve. You have to get the right tools, the right materials, you have to know what it’s going to be before you start; and even when you do, strange, sometimes awful, sometimes wonderful things occur to keep the project interesting.

I remember hearing a story about Michelangelo. He was commissioned to carve a statue. Each morning, he would head up a hill ( I’m probably distorting this story with made up detail…just go with me to the point of it kay!)… anyway, up the hill he goes, and he plunks down and stares at a big piece of marble. People ask him, “what are you doing” and he says “working”. This goes on for days, then for weeks. People start to get pissed off. He then, one day, busts out the chisel and carves one of the greatest statues ever.

Is this a true story? Look it up smart ass. The point of the story is what is important however. Great art requires talent, hard work, planning, inspiration… maybe some good PR too.  I found that story very inspiring as I tend to do my best work if I’m allowed to sit and think about it for what can sometimes seem like a loooooooong time.
When you are done, there will be those who only see the product, and just can’t find it in there hearts to relate to what you had to do to get where you are. Often those are the people who don’t’ realize their goals… funny how that works.

Sometimes, the better work you do, the harder it is for others to even appreciate how well done it is. This is more often true if those people haven’t mastered their own skills, or don’t have an open enough ego to see the comparison. When I was a kid, I really wanted to be regarded as a great drummer. Truthfully, I’m pretty average. While that in itself is a good accomplishment in the grand scheme of comparisons; the thing that pulled me out of any ego tripping with non musicians was my ineptitude with cars. I might be able to play music, but I couldn’t fix a car to save my life. That new found respect for people who I had previously disregarded (to protect my own ego of course) lead to two great turning points in my life. Getting my head out of my ass, and learning to do things I couldn’t do. Like build stuff. Fix my studio, etc.
I have completed some steps. I removed the existing garage door and sold it on Craigslist.

I removed the existing drywall. I’ve cut most of the studs for the walls.I have made my floor plan.
I still need to finish engineering the dropped ceiling. I’m going to use 2×4’s, 12 inches O.C. with a few of them ponied together to form 4×4’s. It’s a 12 foot span, so I’m pushing it a bit, but as this dropped ceiling will have only a dead load and no live load, I’m confident that this will support the two layers of green glue, the few lights, the weight of the wood in the ceiling itself and the rock wool insulation.

I have stalled out a bit in my plans though. I want pocket doors, and I’ve realized that the pocket door openings will not allow for a sturdy enough header to support the ceiling at that point!! I realize now, I have to build my own pocket frames instead of buying them. This way I can put 2×6’s on edge on the sill plate (instead of perpendicular) to support the top sill plate at the door opening. I believe this, with a 4×4 header will do the trick. I’m not an engineer, so this means research and reading until I KNOW I have a safe plan. No point in building something that will collapse over time.

So, tricky stuff… once I nail down the final plans on wood placement,  I need to finalize my ventilation plans, then start the actual work… harder than you think.  Last night I nailed down the path that my audio and Ethernet conduits will run… I am SO CLOSE to the building stage!!

So. There you have it. I’m building a studio. I hope my planning is done by the end of this week. I want the walls up and the first layers of drywall on those walls by the third week of August. Good luck to me!

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So I haven’t updated my web page in ages… do you really care? Do you really care?

Hey… 5 bucks to the person who can name the song that contains the line “Do you really care? Do you really care?”
(Another five bucks if you didn’t use google). *payable in monopoly money only. CANADIAN monopoly money.
Look, life is … problematic. We all know this. Things don’t always go …according to plan. Sometimes, this can bring me down. At the end of the day though, we have one life to live whether there is an afterlife or not.
I am in no rush to find out, let me tell you.

I have noticed some changes in my perspective and life as I approach the magic of 40. One of these “things” is that I finally care less about what others think than I did in the past.

This is a good thing, as I have learned there is such a thing as caring too much. My goals though, have also changed. Where I saw myself at 37… (when I was 28 or 30) is not where I am actually at!

That’s the problem with long-term planning and seeing the big picture… ifs the logistics change, resources change, or our lives change… the whole plan changes!

These days I’m trying a new approach. I have no idea if it is working yet, although it seems to be. Basically, I’m reaching lower, and getting closer to my plans. Instead of trying to see it all at once, and absorb my entire perspective, I’m digging into a specific point.
A good example is a simple one.

Instead of focusing on how our bed room needs paint, a new window, an additional layer of drywall with green glue for sound isolation (just imagine why…tee hee) and a better light fixture, I now …just put my laundry away.

Suddenly, the room looks neater. Yep. It’s amazing the detail I will go to just to avoid putting my clothes in a drawer. You ever time how long it takes to put your clothes away? I mean ALL your clothes. (Hey…they pile up). Well, it takes no longer than 15 minutes, and the room is suddenly neat, and more inspiring. 37 years to learn that taking five minutes each night to put my clothes away has more than one tangible benefit. The room is neater, the clothes are away, and I’m CLOSER TO THE NEXT GOAL.

This is how I’m trying to get things done. Stay focused on the little details for once, and the simpler, daily things.

I’ve still got plans though… and as the nature of this site is supposedly about my musical life, I’ll share what and where I’m at.

In short, I first recognized that I have a variety of musical goals, all (naturally) unrelated in intent and stylistic perspective!
I have been working at my guitar playing recently, trying to take my speed, touch and melodic perspective to a new level. So, I have arbitrarily decided that my agenda is to hit a new “high” as a guitarist, lyricist and drummer, and then develop and write an album of material that is heavy and metal in style.

As I told my wife, I’m starting to feel the “mellow” creep into my playing, so I’d best get my most immature “in concept” project finished before I don’t have the vibe to pull it off!
She said “so… you want to work on your most immature ideas? Is that what you’re saying? hmmm….” and then fades out in an almost paternal way.
Heh.

Hey. I don’t expect anyone to get it… but I am looking for a vibe and a sound that takes me back to what metal music does and did for me. If I have to explain it, you wouldn’t get it anyway. I know however, that there are quite a few people out there who do. If they dig it… then awesome. If not… well, I guess I suck then. heh.

So… that’s it… I’m working on the technique, developing my riffs, and a few songs, and when I’m done, whenever that may be, I’ll let you know, and then probably quickly turn my attention to the reggae/ska project I got in mind… or maybe finish off that last Bonafide album with Paul and Nick that we’re often talking about!

Until next time… which at this pace should be about a year…. later!

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How can it not be? It’s my birthday!!

Whhooo. Hmmm. How does one go from having a cynical, negative day to feeling damn fine? Simple. Go to the country bar and drink and play pool and forget you have to work in the morning!

So, happy birthday me! Self serving? DAMN STRAIGHT IT IS.

I’m starting a new thing to amuse myself…it’s called “taunt the spammers”. Each post, I’m gonna imbed some spammer taunt, just to see if they’re paying attention…today’s message: Spammer’s can’t read.

Suck on that!! whooo!

So, in my usual fashion, I’m totally on topic. That’s ok… that’s ok, last night, while enjoying the dulcet tones of Mr. Brian Temple as he supported the Molly Hogans on their world tour extravaganza, I was made aware that my musical mystery tour saga is only one page deep. This must be corrected.

Of course, if I keep writing stupid shit like this post, I may never get it done… what was that previous rant about “responsibility”?

Well, it’s all about perspective, isn’t it? Today’s perspective… it’s a damn fine day. My wonderful partner is gonna cook me up a mighty fine meal, my daughter is going to sing, my family is going to call, Face CRACK has allowed long lost friends to wish me well on the day of all days, and my big toe on my left foot is throbbing. What’s not to like?

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In no particular order… why is it that the things that suck look suspiciously like the things that don’t?

For example… responsibility. Sometimes, doesn’t responsibility just suck the life out of you? I tell my kid to “be more active”, “get off the computer”, “life isn’t in a machine’… yet I spend more time on the computer than maybe anyone I know… outside of the internet of course!

I am so fucking listless today it’s almost funny, if not for the fact that my 36th birthday is tomorrow. I like to call it “the day my family forgets to call”.

It’s my own damn fault, I’m not exactly Mr. Punctual with the gift giving, unless it’s on Face Crack, then I’m all about the Naughty Gifts. Although, to maintain my pessimistic perspective today, I’ll emphatically state Face Crack “crapplications” suck too!

*crapplications is a registered trademark of Smalltown productions….
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not in a shitty mood… I’m LISTLESS. I don’t want to do what I’m supposed to do today. In my typical fashion, I have justified bitching about the listlessness as an acceptable alternative to actually performing my responsibilities.

I’d have to say the biggest problem with responsibility is that it’s so fucking boring. The biggest problem with turning 36 tomorrow is that I have to go to work. I hear the Beastie Boys in my head when I type that….”it’s time to wake up and go to work! I ride on the bus to the city every day… I sit on my seat and I dream myself away…”

I suppose I could contrast this with stating that I genuinely love my job; but that’d be a far cry from the theme of this post, now wouldn’t it?

Yeah. Shifting gears back to things that suck: I haven’t played a significant gig in ages. Not that the gigs I’ve done didn’t have elements of fun, but they sure seemed too much like work. FUCK THAT. I could care less if the room is packed (although that’s certainly better) but I hate playing like it’s a job, and the music has no purpose or meaning… yeah, THAT SUCKS. I’m happy that I only have one more gig this month, cause I need to refresh.
You know what else sucks? Blogs that complain about typical every day things…. whoops.

I think I can sum my entire perspective today up in a fact my Mother ( a physician) recently told me. Apparently, “they” have discovered that children who are exposed to multi-media before the age of two have their brains physically wired for rapid, sudden shift in focus. Doctor’s are starting to recommend that children do not watch T.V. or have much media exposure before the age of 2. Once the brain grows it’s neural net it’s pretty much too late to re-program that human… it becomes a matter of learning strategies for dealing with it.

Well holy fuck. It’s all starting to make sense! The “thing that sucks” is my own little head… wired to be random at a moment’s notice. I can blame Richie Cunningham and The Beave… those fuckers.

I sure hope tomorrow I can party like it’s 2007.

Just to keep proving my (lack of a) point, how about this one: The first spammer to post “you know what else sucks? Hoovers” gets to have their post actually posted and not deleted. Yeah, that’s right, spammers suck.

I’ve been tempted to post some of their “clever” attempts at fooling me into thinking they are genuinely interested in my bullshit, but I’m afraid the other thousands of readers would misinterpret the humour as a “sucka” moment. my favourite is when they post:

“Jenny’s Blog:” (click it and it’s ALWAYS a shitty porn site).

“Great post, keep up the good work”.

Or:

“I really agree!”

Oh yeah, you agree with me? Do you even know what the fuck I’m talking about when I say something like ” another day, another lack of interest in the grand scheme of things”?

Oh well. One person asked “what would it cost to put a banner ad on your site?”

They must know something about my rarely updated site that I don’t… but here’s the answer: A LOT.

Take it easy people, while responsibility, shitty gigs, too much T.V. and spammers all suck, the weather doesn’t… and tomorrow my family won’t call and I’ll be that much closer to 40.

P.S. I heard a rumour Gert is starting to get it’s shit together… shhhh.

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Well.

May 1, 2004 will always be a day of reflection… not just for me, but for many of my friends. It’s a day to remember, a day to wonder what might have been… and a day things changed.

Many years ago now, I shared a dream with three close friends. It’s a dream many young men have… to conqueror the world, to make our mark, to immortalize ourselves. To change the world, to be the centre of the party…hell, to BE the party! Our method of proof was to play music. We favoured the funky sounds of Parliament, the reggae grooves of Peter Tosh and Spearhead, the new ska sounds of Sublime, the heavy vibe of Rage Against the Machine and the hip hop and rap stylings of N.W.A. and countless other influences that are lost to me now.

We called ourselves Bonafide, and we had a plan. We’d write the best music we could, we’d hone our sound and playing by jamming five nights a week, we’d perfect our image and take pictures and make a CD and tour. It seemed so simple when I was 23. Funny thing is, real life has a habit of catching up with our fantasies, and when I turned 26 and the band was ready to move off of tiny Quadra Island for the big time challenges of Vancouver, I had to quit. I have my reasons, my daughter just turned 1, I had just been married that August. I had a family to think about… but it meant leaving my … other family.

Bonafide was a family. We seemed to do everything together. I really don’t think I’ll ever experience a band like that again. Don’t get me wrong, I’d like to… but I can’t help but believe that Bonafide was special. When I left, the other guys were pretty hurt. I was the organizational leader, the musical conductor. Each guy had a specialized role in the band, each one as important as the next…but when I left it cut off an arm, a leg, a piece of the brain. The feelings between us were strained, and it was painful. As time wore us down, we forgave each other… because the love, no matter how deep the pain, was stronger. At least, that’s what I’d like to believe.

A few times over the years, we all played together, but I don’t think we ever had a time when the four of us played again. We never will.

Joe Skogan was our guitarist, he had the strongest voice when it came to deciding upon musical ideas and direction. In many ways, he was the spiritual leader… we looked to him for advice on our look, our sound, our style. He was very well read, he listened to new, cool, exciting music. Before it was cool to be a laid back, in the pocket style player on the guitar, he was honing those very skills. His voice, when we could get him to sing, was magic. Each of us loved to sing, but had our unique challenges, and Joe could just open his mouth and have a tone that felt perfect. I admired him. I’d go to his place, sit on the couch, and we’d listen to music…without speaking a word. I don’t know what was going through his mind, but for me it was comfort. I love to talk… but I could hang with Joe and not feel like I had to… even though I often did anyways! Joe was a great guy… but I’m not so sure Joe knew this. I listened to every single note he played when we performed and jammed. I can recall many a gig where he’d turn, and look at me…doubting his performance. I’d yell at him “dude…you’re ripping it up!!” He could sit in the pocket, skanking on a chord… playing his guitar like it was a drum. I loved that. He also had a sublime, and occasionally mean sense of humour… and I loved that too!! Bonafide loved pranking any member that dared to not show up for practice!
On April 30, 2004, I was playing bass with a local band at the Heriot Bay Inn. Joe was there, and honestly, it made the evening and my performance far more important to me. He asked me to play a song for him… The White Stripes “Seven Nation Army”. The band didn’t know it, but before the set started, I played the opening riff on the bass. From around the corner, I heard an uncharacteristic “whhhooooaaaaa!!!!” from Joe. It made me smile. I didn’t realize it then, but I loved that guy. It made me happy to give him…something.

Prior to this evening, we had started writing some songs together, and posted two on Songfight. I had thought that a band with him and whomever was in the makings… sadly, I was cautious, and wanted to take it slow. If this sounds like someone getting back together with a girlfriend…you are right! We seemed to click right away. I knew, I knew we could write good stuff…but I was afraid of my ideas being rejected… so I took it slow. One time, while jamming, (I was on the drums) he asked me, in a sad sounding voice… “Is that all you do now? Complicated weird stuff?” The answer was yes. It’s what turned me on musically.

At the end of that night in April, I was packing up my stuff. I went to the bathroom behind the bar…near a pool table. Joe was there when I came out. He told me the scene here was looking grim, too many people doing coke. He wanted to know if I wanted to go to a party with him… but I didn’t want to. He persisted, and was sad. I honestly thought he was sad because he was drunk…

I still said no. I knew I couldn’t keep up with them and would just end up falling asleep. I would’ve hung out with Joe, but these types of “parties” have never really been my scene. I asked him if he wanted to write more, and he said “yes”. I asked him to come by on Wednesday, and we’d write together. He said “sure man”. Then he left.

Could I have changed things? Who knows. Joe was sad. It’s virtually impossible to really know what goes on inside another person’s mind… simply listen to the words you use when you talk to people, and contrast that with your thoughts. Think about how a word can have a deep meaning for you, maybe one that can evoke a memory, and realize that for another human being… this word could mean so much more…so many different things. It’s rare for humans to refer to “dictionary definitions” and maintain a semantically correct conversation.

I want to believe that if I had gone, I would have stopped things. I would have saved him. I want to believe that when he was missing, for three years, that I could find him. That I could take away everyone’s pain…but my own. I am that kind of person.

The truth is… I am hurt by his lost. I miss him… just when I thought things would change, when we could start over, when the dream would be renewed…he was gone. I miss you man. You were a talent, you were a friend, you were a genuine soul. Take care. I love you.

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Something dramatic and significant occurred to me a few days ago.

It goes a little something like this:

Part “A”: I have a problem.

Part “B”: I go through all the bullshit of sorting out that problem. Introspection, disgust, revelation, agony, defeat, elation, you name it, something happens, and a ton of time passes before…
Part “C”: I GET OVER IT, and move on with my life.
So… that middle part… the part “B”? Why the fuck does that take so freaking long sometimes??? It occurred to me that NO MATTER WHAT THE PROBLEM IS, I inevitably get over it!! It makes all the ridiculous B.S. of Part “B” seem like a colossal waste of time. So… my new personal life goal (until I get distracted, bored, or just solve it) is to eliminate as much of the wasted time that occurs in Part “B” as I can, seeing as I always make it to Part “C” anyway! Here’s an example of the “old way”.
THE OLD WAY
Part “A”: I have said something that has offended a person… yet I personally believe my opinion. For example, I inadvertently told someone I know that this guitarist I had heard sucked… only it turned out the guitarist I heard was him! Whoops… time for part “B”…

Part “B”: [internal-mental-battle] “ah fuck, why did I have to say that, now this person feels bad” (spend a period of time struggling with the realization that I made this person feel like a shitty guitarist)….”ah, now this person thinks I’m an asshole”…(spend a period of time struggling with the realization that this person thinks I’m an asshole) …. ” man, I’m having trouble reconciling my opinion which is mine, and I believe to be valid, with the amount of insult I laid on”…(segue to concern about whether or not my opinion IS valid, feel arrogant, mope about possible arrogance (such a loathsome quality), develop additional concern that I can’t keep my mouth shut, that I didn’t get all my facts, that I care too much about what someone thinks). TIME PASSES.

Realization that I’ve been moping, pre-occupied with concern for this person ’s feelings, concern that my opinion isn’t valid, question the meaning of life and my place in it, curse the gods for not making these things easier, TIME PASSES.

Finally admit to myself that my opinions belong to me, and I can share them if I want… sharing them does not change them, it only brings possible repercussions. Recongize that I do this frequently… fall BACK into moping and concern that I can’t seem to keep my opinions to myself… TIME PASSES.

Realize that this person just may in fact be… a shitty guitarist. That if they can’t deal with the facts, too bad. Feel bad about being blunt about it, think about how badly I can suck at things at times, yet my view of my potential pushes me forward…wonder if this person was merely working out issues in their playing, or just sucks, plain and simple. TIME PASSES.

Get back to realizing that it’s done, the damage has occurred, counter opinions have occurred, everything is now BEYOND MY CONTROL. Decide if I’m going to do something about it… TIME PASSES. Finally decide, either a) say something nice to counter the negative, or b) immediately move to Part “C”. If a), continue on with TIME PASSES.

hmmm. With all this time passing, not a lot has gotten done… realize I have other issues to fry, move to part “C”.

Part “C”: GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE.

WHOOOOOAAAAAA. What a fucking complicated way to live my life! Let’s try the “new way”, picking it up from Part “B”:

NEW WAY

Part “B”: Whoops. I screwed that up. Oh well. Either a) apologize, move to part “C”, or stick to my opinion with confidence, move to part “C”.
Part “C”: GET OVER IT, get on with my life.

Now, isn’t that so much better?
Why waste my time with all the bullshit feelings I put on myself, when the only thing that needs to happen is either to make amends, or stick to my guns?

And that’s my random musing for the day. I got some gig updates too. As relevant as that may seem.

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Man.

So far, I’m really just playing here. I want to learn how this Wordpress stuff works… and map out my architecture.

So… I’m suppose I’m really only speaking to myself for now!
Except I asked my good friend The Hip Cola to check my page out… and he REFUSED. You bastard. Just because I kept directing you to a static web page for 2 years doesn’t mean you gotta go think I’m crying wolf. heh.

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Not really. See, way back when, I bought some web space, and put up a cheeky page that summed up the reality of my situation: lots of desire, not enough time or knowledge! What they hell does that mean? Simple my sweet reader… it means that I had this ridiculous vision of the perfect website…and I suddenly realized it was never going to happen.
Change of gears. With my gertie friends pushing me along, I finally got off the perfectionism horse and got on with making it happen.
I plan on using Wordpress, and sacrificing my vision for functionality… probably a decent idea since everyone (and by everyone I mean … like 3 people) had to look at a crappy black and white of me drumming in 1995 and a promise of things to come.
At least it made me laugh.

So… here’s to using Wordpress, posting up my musical moments and randomly musings!

Guess I better get started…

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